Being You Can Be Lonely

My wife is the writer in the family. She has a way of expressing herself that can make an Ogre get in touch with its’ feelings. My brothers are the smart ones and the high level athletes. My father in law is the wisest man I know. My mother in law is the most servant hearted person I know. My dad has no limits to believing in himself, his confidence is unparalleled. My mom has the gift of faith like none I’ve seen. She has no perceived limits of what God can do. My best friends have a way of making people feel seen that moves my soul.

Me? That’s a good question. I’m the dreamer. I’m the person who can pitch you a million ideas in one car ride. When you’re in mid sentence I’m already proposing the solution. I struggle with reality. Reality is: most people are content and just need heard. There’s a good chance that pie in the sky ideas are just that. Where does that phrase even come from? I struggle with contentment. I used to walk my neighborhood in a town of 2,300 people and no stoplights wondering, “How do people live like this forever? Like how do they have so much peace and contentment that they can clock in and out of a 9-5 and live in their tiny town for 80 years and be good with that?”. Those thoughts weren’t me being critical, but jealous. I can’t fathom a life where your mind doesn’t override every single mundane thought with some sort of “what if” dream.

I’ve also been assigned the role of comedic relief. A whole other set of issues comes with this.

At this point, you might be confused about the title of this article.

I say all of that because I’ve learned that being truly you is really lonely, because people simply don’t understand you. And it’s not their fault. We’re all wired differently, and there’s about 76 personality assessments that tell us such. Quite frankly, we can’t comprehend your struggles because at our core we’re all selfish. We want everyone to comprehend our own struggles and not have to do any understanding ourselves.

I don’t know what your struggle is, but mine is my personaility is very hard to quantify. I can measure someone who is smart by seeing what they produce. I can measure achievers by seeing their success. I can identify a lot of these “talents” by merely observing. I struggle because with me, what does someone see? My “talents” are in the eye of the beholder. I’m obsessed with asking myself what the other side of me is thinking.

When I say this, what will they say?

When I feel hurt by someone what will they say why it happened?

What are people who are interacting with me experiencing?

I think I wear people out. And I think I make it seem like I’m always doing OK because I’m supposed to be the funny guy. Side note: being the funny guy is hard because when you’re struggling EVERYONE will know. “What’s wrong today?” “What happened to you?” “Come tell us that _ story”. Everyone else can just have a bad day without anyone knowing or asking.

I think it’s common for someone to leave an encounter with me feeling like I’m always wanting more. And it’s probably true. I wish I could tell them I’m not a discontent person. I can’t stop seeing the world for what it can be. I see relationships for what they could be, not for what they are. Is that a gift? Is that a curse? I’m not sure. I think I can also give off implications that I don’t take things seriously because I typically default to sarcasm and humor. At least once a day I feel like someone I interacted with didn’t “get” me. Some days it’s frustrating. Others it’s saddening. It often makes me feel like I’m not enough.

I guess I should get to the point…

This isn’t a “look at me” think piece. It’s really not. This is a “God sees you” think piece.

I have bad news for you, then I’ll follow it up with some good news. The bad news: You’ll never be fully understood by people. Won’t happen. Humans weren’t designed to be able to see your inner workings. People will never be able to understand my nature. It’ll always be considered discontent, bored, critical, not serious, insensitive or overly wishful. I don’t know what your thing is. I don’t know where you feel unseen. I know there’s somewhere that you do. If you’re married or dating, at some point this week you probably asked to be understood about an interaction you had.

Because here’s the good news. There is someone who sees you. He doesn’t make mistakes. He sees your heart. Your intentions. Your motivations. Your talents. He wove you together at the beginning of time, and wants to be with you until the end of time. How do I know this?

Psalm 139

1 You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

I could write an essay on every single one of those sentences. I won’t though, as I’m sure you’re probably wanting to switch over to Instagram or Tiktok by now. As humans we dream of people “searching” us. We long for the desire to be seen. The fact is we are seen, we’re just looking to the wrong seers. I would say look up, but honestly you can look anywhere, and he’s there. The ultimate seer.

God knows why you responded the way you did. Why you cried or were angry. He knows what you care about. You truly have no hidden talents from him. It’s not an excuse to become an unbearable person. Surely we all still need to coexist and behave in a way that allows relationships to thrive. Acknowledging that God sees you can change your life. As Paul says “Your grace is sufficient for me”.

I imagine a grandmother sitting in a wooden rocking chair by a fire. She’s weaving together a sweater for her grandchild. Every single twist and turn of the thread is intentional and matters. She smiles as she knows she deeply cares for this creation and the person she’s making it for. When it’s done, she looks at it with love. You see, when you make something yourself you care more about it. She could’ve went to Goodwill and found several pre-made options. But she loves her grandchild dearly, and because of that she wanted to be intentional with the design. She knew the color in her mind before she wove it. She could see the birthdays and bon-fires he’d wear it to. This sweater wouldn’t be perfect, it won’t be immune to facing wear and tear, but it would be made with clear intention and love.

Sincerely, Hunter Price

P.S. Don’t stop being you.