Life’s Not Fair…And That’s OK

If you asked my family what their biggest criticism of me from my childhood is, they’d appropriately say I had an issue with fairness. I wanted justice, not just for punishments, but everything. Dollar amounts should be even. Food portions should be the same. I’m not joking when I say that my shoes had to be tied to the exact same tightness before leaving the house.

When I entered the dreaded teenage angst years, I lamented to God daily about life not being fair. I resented that I couldn’t tan like everyone else. To this day, people still make comments such as, “Do you ever go outside?” or “Why are you so pale?” Yes, grown adults attempt to start conversations with me that way. I watched the girls in my school flock to every athlete but me during school dances. I thought coaches who didn’t play me were jerks with a personal vendetta. I hated that I was skinnier than everyone else. And I couldn’t let any of it go.

Then came adulthood. I watched people my age go on elaborate vacations. I saw them post pictures from their weekend parties where it seemed like everyone was invited but me. I was super jealous of the people who got to move to destination cities. Every evening walk around the lake was ruined by my jealousy of everyone out on a boat or jet ski. It sounds terrible, but the sounds of other people having fun made me straight up cranky.

Most of my life was wasted by comparing my situation to everyone else’s. After a lot of Bible reading, wise counsel, hard experiences, and simple maturing, I was finally able to utter a life-changing phrase: Life’s not fair, and that’s OK.

I remember the first time I really had to think about this and point the finger at myself rather than everyone else. One cold winter day in 2021, I walked into basketball practice, particularly envious of coaches who had ready-made teams. It wasn’t fair that I had no budget, no help, and a lot of players who didn’t really want to prioritize basketball. I must have been unbearable to be around. I was walking around the court during warm-ups when one of my players said to me in passing, “Coach, you have the best life, don’t you?” I immediately paused, stared at him, and raised my eyebrow. He quickly followed up by explaining, “You have a wife, two kids, and have found success before turning 30.”

What a gut punch. He was right. And I had been wrong for 29 years.

The more I’ve meditated on the words Life’s not fair, and that’s OK, the more liberated I’ve felt. I’ve become a more patient person. I’m able to love my family better. I find more joy in my job. And I can process failures with a mentality of learning rather than sulking.

I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. Life’s not fair, and that’s OK.

Most people will make more money than me. Life’s not fair, and that’s OK.

My kids might not behave as well as my friends’ kids. Life’s not fair, and that’s OK.

I’m losing my hair. Life’s not fair, and that’s OK.

I won’t be the first choice for everyone to hang out with. Life’s not fair, and that’s OK.

Here’s the thing. We were never promised a fair life. For some reason, we just believe that has to be the case. At no point in human history was it established that everyone gets fair treatment.

As a matter of fact, nowhere in the scriptures does it say this life will be “fair” or “easy”. We’re actually told the opposite.

Matthew 7:13–14 – “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”

Luke 9:23 – Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”

Romans 5:3–5 – Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

It sounds simple, but I had to start thinking about what I don’t have, and started dwelling on what I do have. I had a house, a beautiful and loving wife, cute children, a good job, and influence. It was time to grow up, and fix my mindset. Now I can say that I feel completely liberated. I feel free. When I see others having more success or taking their vacations on social media I can keep scrolling without resentment. When I see people I like hanging out without me I can keep it moving and release the contempt. When an old friend crushes it in the content business before me, I can root for them and learn from them.

When I finally took a step back and looked at society as a whole, I realized we’re so unhappy because people are constantly offended, at everything. This isn’t fair. That isn’t fair. You’re playing judge without any of the power. So here you are, yelling and banging a gavel that isn’t doing anything.

In the last few years, I’ve finally been able to release. I am letting go of the things I can’t control, and I’ve found peace in that. My identity follows the following order of priority order. Who Jesus says I am. Who my wife needs me to be. Who my children look up to. That’s it. That’s the list.